Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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