She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
