remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
