I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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