I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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