weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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