My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I did not marry a roomba.
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