hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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