I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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