Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Just cropdusted the office
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
