When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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