He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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