the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
