He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
