we have officially lost it.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
