I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
