You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
