I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
