I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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