a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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