You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
