I wish my penis had an off switch
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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