Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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