My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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