Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
