Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
