god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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