I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm really into asian looking animals
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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