I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we're so committed to being not committed
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
