What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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