I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
