I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
