my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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