Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
