cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
