i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
