Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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