Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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