I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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