Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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