well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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