I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
