the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
