btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
