he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
