We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
