It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
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You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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