so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
