I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
