shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
