onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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