My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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