When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
